


Pushin' Time

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, One Night Stands, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 22:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9036470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: Nesta and Cassian share a drunken night together. A few months later Nesta realizes it was a night she truly can't forget.
"Sometimes love acts out of spite and good things happen over night. Can't take it slow cause you and I are pushin' time."





	

The alcohol was making my judgement hazy. I wasn't sure how this night had turned into a mess of emotions and dancing. But I couldn't stop once Mor and Feyre had gotten a few shots in me. I jumped to the music and bounced to song after song. I danced with my sisters and even Azriel joined in. Maybe it was the fact that it was a night we didn't have to worry about deadlines and Wars.

But whatever it was, I wanted to live in the moment forever.

At some point Cassian and I had started dancing together. He grabbed me, a laugh escaped me as his fingers dug into my waist. Between the dark lights of the club and the drinks we had been passing back and forth I knew I was going to make a mistake tonight. I knew something was going to happen between me and this man, this illryian I was still trying to keep at a distance.

I let out a slow breath and wrapped my arms around his neck. I leaned in, swaying my hips to the music, laughing even louder as he watched me. My long hair fell in front of my face, my cheeks were flushed from laughing and dancing. I felt free, from the fears and the doubts. I felt like I was finally a different version of myself, a girl I barely recognized.

Cassian leaned in closer. His breath was warm on my ear, "want to get out of here sweetheart?"

When he pulled back and looked at me his brown eyes were full of desire. His entire body radiated it, asking me a silent question. One we had been dancing around for years. I bit my lip, my heart pounding in time with the music. After a moment I threw caution to the wind, mostly because of the alcohol in my system, and nodded.

"Yeah," I stood up on my tip toes before I could overthink this all and pressed a kissed to his lips. It was sloppy and full of more than just alcohol. Because even drunk Cassian held me as if I was the most precious thing in his world.

Which scared me more than whatever it was happening between us.

"We can't tell anyone about this," I said between kisses as he shed my shirt and I pulled at his. He groaned in agreement as my hips hit his. He pushed me into his bedroom, the back of my knees hitting his mattress. I moaned his name as he bit down on my neck and I knew there was no turning back.

I fell into him and I had no idea this moment, this night, would be my undoing until it was too late.

\---

**Three months later**

My pounding heart was the only sound I could hear over the roar of my rushing blood. I was waiting for the test to tell me if I was or was not pregnant. I had never been reckless I had never been the girl who found herself in this position. I wasn't that person. I let this new life change me. I let him touch me, convince me that maybe we could be something.

When I knew I couldn't let anyone in. Because I wasn't stable. I wasn't worthy of someone like Cassian. Tomas had made that clear in my first life.

A tear fell down my cheek as a knock sounded on the bathroom door, "Nesta. You okay?"

I wiped at my tears, "yeah. I'll be right out Fey."

My hands shook as I went to the sink and washed my them. The warm water hit my skin and I let out a breath as I tried to find the courage to check the test. I closed my eyes and imagined my life before this moment. I tried to remember a time when I wasn’t so confused, so hell bent on destroying myself. When I opened my eyes, nothing had changed. I was still terrified and my eyes were still red from crying. 

I dried my hands and then I picked up the cup. My stomach filled as I saw the two lines at the bottom of the tea cup. 

The world tilted and I got sick again. Tears pricked the corner of my eyes and my knees went weak. It was positive. 

I was pregnant.

I cried as I rinsed my mouth out once more. I threw the entire cup into the trash and buried it underneath paper. Another knock sounded and I realized Feyre was listening. My heart stopped, my hand flew to my stomach.

I was going to be sick again. 

The door opened, "Nesta what's wrong?"

Feyre came in and I couldn't hide my red puffy eyes. The room smelled like puke, I hadn't had time to spray anything. Her eyes narrowed and she saw my hand on my stomach. Her mouth fell open and she covered it quickly.

"Oh my gods," her eyes went wide, "Nesta."

I nodded slowly, "yeah. I uh. Figured out why I'm still sick."

Feyre ran to me and hugged me tightly, "oh Nesta. It'll be okay, you've got me and Rhys. Elain is going to be so excited for little Jeda to have a friend."

While my sister was talking my world was falling apart. My hands kept shaking because while I knew I wanted to keep this baby, I wasn't sure I wanted to do this alone. And I wasn't sure I was ready to tell him. Because this was the biggest thing that had ever happened to either of us.

"Oh uncle Rhys he'll be so cute. And uncle Azriel," Feyre stopped, her eyes getting even wider if that was possible, "Nesta."

"I know who the father is," I whispered softly as she ran through the very short list of who it could be.

"You have to tell him."

I shook my head, "I have to figure things out. I have to process the fact that I'm going to be a mother, Fey."

"And he deserves to know he'll be a father."

I nodded my head slowly, "he doesn't have to be."

She glared at me, "you and I both know he won't abandon a baby. Not his baby, not after he was raised a bastard."

I wiped away another tear, "I'm going to be sick."

Feyre held my hand tightly, "I'll find a healer to make you a tonic for the morning sickness. Why don't you go lay down."

I let out a slow breath, "okay yeah. Can you. Not tell anyone?"

Feyre squeezed my hand gently, "this is our secret. Until you're ready."

I blinked away tears as I went back to bed. I crawled under the covers and tried to sort out what I wanted to do. I knew Cassian deserved the truth, but then again he had acted as if that night had never happened. Sure it was because I had asked him to. But it still hurt when he ignored me for my benefit. It still hurt that he didn't try and kiss me anymore.

He had gotten what he wanted. He got into my pants, without realizing he had broken into my heart. And now he didn't want anything to do with me. I couldn't go through that, having this baby and knowing how I felt was so different from what he felt. I wouldn't trap him. Because that's what it would be.

He would never let his child grow up the way he did. He would be there for them, stuck with me, no matter how much he hated it.

I wiped away a tear as another round of nausea hit me. I closed my eyes and then Feyre came back in with the healer. 

"Congratulations lady Nesta," she said softly as she handed me a glass.

I felt the color drain from my face, "I had to tell her what you needed, Nes."

I nodded, "yeah okay."

The healer smiled, "I can check on the baby and you if you wish. It's too early to tell the sex or if the baby will have wings. But I can tell you how far along you are."

I already knew how far along I was. Because ever since I woke up in Cassian's bed I had been keeping count of the days that past. The days that past without him cracking a joke at my expensive, the days when he wouldn't even look at me.

Wings. My baby might have wings. Because they would be part of Cassian. A little baby with wings filled my mind, one that looked like their father. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how much I wanted that. I wanted Cassian to have a mini me. I wanted to raise a little boy who had wings. 

More tears filled my eyes, "okay. Yeah a checkup would be good."

Feyre stayed with me. She held my hand as the healer touched my still thin stomach. Her hands were cold and I shivered as she smiled, seeing things we couldn't.

"You're about three months, four months next week. You should start showing more soon," her smile should've been the one I was wearing, "well I'll let you rest."

The healer left us alone and Feyre sighed, "you need to tell him Nesta. I'll stay with you if you want. It's just not fair, to keep this from him."

I nodded, "tomorrow. I need one full day to figure out what I want."

Feyre stood up, "one day. Then I'll tell him myself."

I pulled a pillow over my head as she left the room. My stomach pulled tight and I felt sick once more. I knew it wasn't the morning sickness. It was the thought of telling Cassian I was pregnant. The fact that I had to figure out what to do with my life. I was having a baby. I was carrying a tiny Illyrian in my stomach.

Feyre was married and so was Elain. I had always been the put together one. The oldest, the one who might not have direction, but I had fire. And now. Well now I guess I was the reckless one. 

\---

One day turned into two, and then two turned into a week without me telling Cassian the news. Thankfully the tonic the healer gave me lasted through the entire day. So I wasn't confined to my room with morning sickness. But my stomach was firmer, it was bigger then it had been before. I placed my hands over the little bulge wondering if we were having a girl or a boy. If the baby really would have wings or just be someone like me.

I closed my eyes and imagined a baby boy, with Cassian's dark hair and my stormy eyes. I opened my eyes and blushed at the image of what could be our little family. I pressed my shirt against the little bump, looking at myself in the mirror and imagining how big I would get. I jumped when someone banged loudly on my bedroom door and then pushed it open. Cassian looked like he was past hurt. He was angry.

"I think we need to talk."

He kept his voice low and I knew Feyre had told him something. I knew my sister didn't bluff. I bit my lip and took in a deep breath, "yeah. We do."

"So talk, Nesta."

He had never been so hostile to me before. I stood up and brought my hands together to stop them from shaking, "I um. Well remember that night we slept together? The one you want to pretend didn't happen?"

"Because you told me not to tell anyone."

I rolled my eyes, "yeah well. I'm pregnant."

The room lost air. Cassian's eyes went wide and he lost the color in his cheeks. He let out a slow breath, his hand pushed through his hair, "you're. Pregnant."

I nodded. He looked at me, "it's mine?"

Anger rose in my throat and I spoke before I could stop myself, “you're a gods damn jackass Cassian. Of course it's yours, why wouldn't it be yours? I don't sleep around, especially after pursuing someone for months the way you did me."

He looked away sheepishly, "I'm sorry. I just. Wow. A baby." 

He looked as scared as I had felt when I found out I was pregnant. My anger simmered, I took in a breath and let him process the news. Neither one of us had been prepared for this. We had spent one night, one drunken night together. We weren’t ready to be parents, but I knew I wouldn’t give this baby up. I had already grown unattached to him or her. I was already in love with the little life growing underneath my heart.

But I wouldn’t force Cassian to stay. I wouldn’t force him to be a father, to trap him into a life with me. I would never want someone to do that to me.

I took a step forward but I didn't reach for him, "look. You don't have to do this. I know it's a big step, one that's bigger than any other we've taken. So I just, wanted you to know. But we don't have to do anything. I'm keeping the baby, but you don't have to be in their life."

Cassian looked up, his eyes were filled with anger. He looked closed to tears, "my child will have a father. I won't let them grow up as a bastard, I won't walk away. Not from them or you, Nesta."

I hadn't realized how selfish I was being until that moment. Because this wasn't just my child, they belonged to Cassian too. As much as I hated it, we had both been there that night.

But to me it was the same as the mating bond everyone raved about. It felt like a trap, something magical that kept you bound to another person. I never wanted that, I wanted to choose. I wanted Cassian to have a choice. I wasn’t giving him a way out, I was letting him decide what he wanted. I was letting him decide what his future would hold.

The way he had always given me a choice. He was the only one who had ever given me a choice.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as he took a step forward, "I just got scared. And I don't," my voice broke as I tried to figure out how to say, what I was supposed to feel, "I'm afraid of this. Of us. What if we do this, if we have this baby and we don't work out? What if I fall in love with you and you walk away? I can't invest myself, my whole self, into you knowing you could walk away."

Cassian grabbed my hand and pulled me close. He wiped away my tear and I stopped fighting him. Because in that moment I saw the man who promised to fight for me on a battlefield, when I was still a weak human. I saw the man who reached for me when I was thrown into a cauldron of black magic. I saw the person who was there for me time and time again, the man who wanted to protect me, to love me if only I would let him.

Cassain’s eyes held the truth inside them, "I won't walk away from you. Or this baby. Our baby. Nesta I love you and I know that's not what you want to hear. But I've been in love with you for a while now. Ever since the war ended and you took your chance to leave. We might not be mates, or have mated yet, but I care for you. I would never walk away from you. From someone I love."

I hugged him tightly, my heart slowly piecing itself back together. I struggled in a breath, "Cass I'm sorry I didn't tell you. And I want to do this," I kissed his cheek, "I want to have this baby. With you."

The smile that spread across his face was beautiful. He kissed my forehead and then my cheek, his hand coming to rest against my stomach, "I don't care if you never say it back, I love you Nesta. Children are rare and I just. You have given me the greatest gift I never thought I'd have. Not in seven hundred years."

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. I took in a deep breath as he held me close, his one arm around my waist. We could do this, we could have a baby. We could make this work, I would believe in it, in us. Because I knew deep down I was in love with Cassian too.

Cassian pulled away and grabbed my hand. He pulled me into the living room where everyone sat pretending they hadn't been listening to us. Feyre smiled when she saw us together. Her eyes went to our hands, and I felt my cheeks fill with heat. Rhys raised his eyebrows, as did Azriel. 

"Guys," Cassian looked like a child on Christmas Day, "we're having a baby."

I blushed slightly as he pulled me into his side and Mor jumped up, her book falling off her lap. She squealed as she ran to us, hugging us both together at the same time. Feyre smiled as she walked over and hugged me, then Cassian. Rhysand and Azriel clapped him on the back.

"Congratulations," Feyre said her eye catching mine. "I'm glad you figured everything out."

Cassian's hand wound around my waist, anchoring me to him. Rhysand smiled, noticing how relaxed his brother seemed, "I'm happy for you guys."

I smiled slightly as Mor grabbed Feyre's hand. "We have to throw them a baby shower. Nesta you're going to be so cute pregnant. Ah I can't believe one of us is finally going to have a baby. I can't wait to teach them to fly."

"Whoa no," Cassian cut her off, "I will teach my child to fly, Morrgian."

She giggled as I grabbed his hand and placed it on my stomach, "our child, Cass."

He softened against me, and I knew he was in love with the idea of me carrying his child. He smiled down at me, everyone watching as we accepted each other. Bond or no bond Cassian was the only man who had ever cared about me as deeply as he did. He was the only person who swore to protect me to whatever end.

I couldn't wait to see how our future played out. I couldn't wait to become a mother to his child.

\--

I was seven months along when I finally started to warm up to the idea of living with Cassian. He was looking for an apartment close to Rhys, but far enough away for us to start our makeshift family. He hadn't proposed yet and I wasn't ready for him to. But I was learning to live with him. To rely on him, especially at night. 

Our baby was restless, like their father. The only thing that seemed to calm them at night was Cassian's terrible singing. So most nights I fell asleep with his hand on my belly, his lullaby drifting over us. We had started sharing a bed after the fourth month mark when I broke down and told him I didn't want to do this alone.

We shared a bed but all we did was sleep. Cassian didn't kiss me unless I initiated it. He didn't touch me anywhere other than my stomach. We hadn't done anything but sleep since we conceived this child. 

I was so frustrated I had started dreaming about him. I missed his touch, his skin. I even missed his scratchy beard. I woke up most mornings and I could smell myself. I couldn't believe Cassian didn't know. I needed him, more than any drunken night we had shared together. 

Everyone had left the townhouse. I had been pestering them all day about where Cassian was. He was out on some errand no one would explain to me. So they left me alone. I was sitting in the kitchen attempting to soothe one of my cravings with chocolate, when his scent hit me. I jumped up and watched him walk in the front door. 

"Hey sweetheart," he smiled as he sat down on the couch. His shoulders slumped and I licked my lips. He looked better than my dream version of Cassian. His hair was falling out of the leather strap and he smelled like home.

I smiled as I walked towards him. He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, "hey. Where were you?"

He shrugged, hiding something from me. His hand touched my stomach. He always touched my stomach, "out. How are my girls?"

I rolled my eyes as he pulled me onto his lap. My hands found his shoulders and I felt my stomach tighten. Cassian had decided we were having a girl. So he always asked me how his girls were doing. I didn't want to know the sex so I was making him wait until the baby was born. I wanted to be surprised.

"The baby is fine," I leaned down and ran my fingers up his neck. I skimmed my lips across his forehead. I was dying. I needed a release, "but me. I miss you."

He smiled as he tipped his head back and I kissed along his jaw, "Nesta," his hands tightened on my hips. 

I moved my hips against him, "Cassian you did this to me. So why haven't you touched me since then?"

He groaned as I bit down on his ear. I reached out and touched the top of his precious wing, "I was. Letting you decide what you wanted."

I stopped moving when my lips were inches away from his, "I want you," I whispered softly, "to touch me."

Cassian was shocked when I kissed him. He hesitated, his hands on my hips. But then I pressed my chest to his and he came undone. He held me as close as he could with the belly between us. I moaned into his mouth as he moved his hand down my stomach and his fingers slipped under the waist of my pants.

"Cass," I moved against him. My eyes rolled closed as his lips pressed against my neck, "I need more."

He laughed, his teeth dragging along my chest, "are you sure? We're in the middle of the living room."

"I drove them all crazy. So they would leave us alone," I ran my fingers through his hair and untied the rest of it. Cassian didn't waste another moment. He thrust a finger inside of me as he pressed his mouth to mine, swallowing my gasp. My eyes snapped shut as I moved my hips to meet him. It wasn't enough, it wasn't what I wanted.

"Cassian," I gasped as I grabbed a fistful of his shirt, "I want you. Please."

My hands were shaking as he undid the buttons to my shirt. His mouth fell open when he saw my breasts pouring out of my bra. They had gotten bigger since I was pregnant, and I barely fit the bras I had. He pressed his lips against my chest, slowly moving his tongue until he reached my nipple.

I moaned as he bit down, "Cassian."

"These are definitely bigger," he whispered as his hand came up to cup the other one. I moaned again, moving my hips against his, trying to release some of the pressure that was killing me.

"Mmhm," I pulled his face back to mine and kissed him. I slipped my hand into his waistband and grabbed him. He went still beneath me, "if you don't fuck me right now I'll never let you touch me again."

He laughed, his hands pulled down his pants. Then he thrust into me, filling me up and hitting that perfect sensitive spot, "is that what you want sweetheart?"

"Mmhm," I nodded as I rolled my hips along with his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. It didn't take long for me to fall apart. I had been in need of him all day. I had been in need of him for the last two months. His baby drove me crazy, these hormones would be the death of me.

"Cassian," I gasped as he hit the same spot over and over again, my hands grabbing his shirt, "yes. Oh gods. Cass."

He laughed against my shoulder. He slipped his hand between us, his fingers already knew what to do, “that’s it. Come for me sweetheart."

I cried out as I fell over the edge, his arms tightening around my waist. My entire body was shaking as he kissed me, falling apart only moments after I was through. I kissed his forehead, his nose, his hands running lightly up and down my back as we got through our highs together.

I stayed in his lap, letting out slow breaths as he kissed me. His hand was drawing small circles along the small of my back, "I love you sweetheart. You have no idea how much I've wanted to do that again."

I smiled, "I want you to touch me, Cassian. I want you, I'm just not good at letting you know. Kiss me, touch me, pull me into your arms. Just please don't stop."

Cassian kissed me again, the sound of the front door opening made us both jump. He grabbed the blanket and threw it over my shoulders. His wings wrapped around us as protection.

"Hey you're home," Rhysand smiled as he saw us sitting there, "and now Nesta can stop annoying us."

I rolled my eyes, "shut up Rhys. I didn't miss him that much."

"It's okay, sweetheart. I know it's just the baby."

I laughed slightly as he kissed my cheek. Then Feyre came in behind her husband, "why are you two covered with a blanket? No wait, why is Nesta on your lap?"

I blushed, burying in face in his shoulder, "she was cold. I was singing so the baby would stop moving."

Feyre seemed to take that answer, until there was a horrible shriek from up the stairs. Mor came down and looked at all of us her eyes were huge. She looked if she was in pain, "no. They just fucked on that couch. Now we have to burn it."

I blushed as everyone turned their attention back to us. Cassian kept his arms around me, the blanket hiding our half naked bodies. I turned my entire face into his neck, the heat from my blush making me warm.

Rhysand laughed, "well I hate to break it to you Mor, but if we burned everything someone has had sex on in this house, there wouldn’t be anything left."

She gagged, "you're all disgusting."

She turned on her heel as Cassian let out a loud laugh. The sound vibrated through his chest and hit my cheek. I nestled into his arms, satisfied and exhausted. He held me close as his thumb brushed lightly against my stomach. The baby kicked as he hummed lightly under his breath.

After a moment large amount of pressure pressed against my ribs. I gasped as Cassian stopped humming and loosened his hold, "what's wrong?"

"The baby," I pressed a hand against my belly, "is pushing against my ribs."

Cassian pressed his hand over mine, "you have to move baby. Mommy isn't comfortable."

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him. My hormones were everywhere, but the way he was looking at me, how he was talking to our baby, hit something inside my heart. Feyre was smiling as Cassian kissed my cheek. He ran his thumb over my stomach as he started humming again. The baby moved, and the pressure left up.

"Thanks, sweetheart," I whispered as I kissed his jaw and laid my head back on his shoulder. He smiled, running the tips of his fingers up and down my arm. Goosebumps were scattered across my skin, but I never wanted him to stop.

I fell asleep cradled in his arms. At some point, I felt him carry me back to our bedroom. He was my safe place. I was half awake when I pulled on his hand and asked him to stay. It didn't scare me as much anymore. Because somehow Cassian had become my home.

\---

Once I gave Cassian permission to touch me he couldn't stop. I woke up in his arms every morning. Fell asleep to his kiss every night. It was nice, it was as if we had planned this whole thing. We acted like a couple, in love and excited to expand our family. It was different, we fought but then again making up was so much sweeter.

Cassian, Azriel, and Rhys took it upon themselves to build our baby a crib. It was nice, and sweet. They set it up on our room. The room we had somehow come to claim as ours. All Cassian's shit was now mixed with mine. Feyre called us a real couple.

As if moving in together was more binding than having a child.

Still I was happy. Between Cassian singing to our baby and talking about names and things we would teach them, I realized I had never been so happy. Because I didn't have to do this alone. I had someone to love this baby as much as I did. Someone who wanted to raise them, someone who wanted to raise them with me.

Still I knew it broke his heart that I still hadn't told him I loved him. I just wasn't ready, I was still terrified of what those words implied. I wasn't sure why, I knew I loved him. I loved his hand pressed against my belly at all hours. I loved his kiss, his stupid jokes. I loved it all, because he was Cassian. 

One morning Cassian placed his big hands on either side of my stomach. We had been in that position for over an hour and it still made him laugh when the baby responded. He told me if he laid his head just right, his ear pressed against the top of my stomach, he could hear their heart beating. He would tap his fingers along with it, tickling my wrist.

Today he just kept telling the baby to kick me. He seemed to find it funny every time their little foot kicked out. Sometimes you could even see the impression of their tiny little toes on my skin. He chuckled, the sound vibrating off my stomach, as the baby kicked, "she knows I'm here."

I rolled my eyes, "sure Cass."

"Kick baby," he whispered, his lips close to my skin. The baby kicked, Cassian's laugh was beautiful. His smile was even better. He looked so happy, so in love with both of us.

And yet I still couldn't find the courage to tell him I felt the same.

The baby kicked again, "she loves me, Nesta."

I touched his head and pulled on his hand until he came back up to my level, "of course," I whispered as he hovered above me, "you're her daddy."

A tear slipped down his cheek as he kissed me, his hand on my stomach as the baby kicked again and again. It felt like little butterflies in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was the baby or the way Cassian was kissing me. It was all sweetness and passion wrapped in a gentle caress. I wasn't sure why I had ever thought pushing this man away was the answer.

Because he deserved to be as loved as hard as he loved. And I realized in that moment, that I was terrified I wouldn't love him enough. 

"I wish I could feel it the way you do," he whispered as he looked down at me with love and so much more on his eyes, "what does it feel like?"

"Like little tiny butterflies fluttering their wings," I ran the tips of my fingers down his cheek, "unless they kick my bladder. Than it feels horrible."

Cassian laughed, leaning his forehead against my shoulder. He kissed the crook of my neck and I shivered as his hand ran down my side, "I love you," he murmured. 

My heart beat in time with his breathing. I knew I should say it back, but I couldn't. The words got caught in my throat. I physically couldn't voice the words, my heart wasn't ready to admit how much it wanted to house him. Because I knew no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to love him as much as he loved me.

"Cass," I whispered softly against his hair, "this. This is perfect."

He smiled as he kissed my forehead, "in all my wildest dreams I never thought we'd be here. But I am so glad this happened. I'm so glad to have you here, in my bed. Right here in my life. You fit, you fit beside me."

I laced our fingers together, "one day," I whispered against his lips. He understood what I was saying, because he smiled in the middle of our kiss. It was a baby step, but it was something. For the first time in seven months I finally told Cassian I was moving towards those words. I was slowly opening myself up and learning how to love him. 

He hummed as the baby kicked and I knew he was already there, inside my heart. My mind just had to find the courage to catch up.

\---

It was warm, the room was dark. I sensed it before I opened my eyes. I woke up to pain in my stomach. I was disoriented for a moment, time didn’t seem to exist. I gasped, reaching for Cassian's hand. Except I found his side of the bed empty. I cried out, tears in my eyes as the pain moved down my back. It was worse than anything I had ever felt before. 

"Cassian," my voice was barely a whisper as I stood up. But I didn't get very far. I grabbed the bedpost and bent over. I screamed, my hand landing on my stomach. Tears were in my eyes, I just wanted Cassian. I was panting as light flooded from the hallway, "Feyre!"

The door opened and Rhysand walked in. His hair was sticking up, his face had marks from him blanket. His eyes went wide with panic when he saw me, "shit. No this can't happen now."

The usually calm and put together high lord was in a panic. I wasn't his mate, he didn't have to go through this with me. But I needed someone to be with me. It seemed as if he was the only one here. I really wanted Cassian, the man who did this to me. But he wasn't here so Rhysand would have to do.

I grabbed his hand just as my water broke, "where's my sister. Where's Cassian?"

He shook his head, "I don't know they left when you fell asleep. I'll call for her. But the baby."

I nodded, squeezing his hand and letting out slow breaths the way the healer had been teaching me during our check ups, "is coming. Tell Feyre if Cassian doesn't make it back before they're here I'll kill them both."

I screamed again as he called for her down the bond. I would've been jealous if I had the time. But this baby was coming fast. Again they were like their father, they wanted to make a dramatic entrance. Leave it to Cassian’s baby to come when their father was nowhere to be found.   
My stomach ripped with pain and my legs started to shake, "Rhys," I shook his arm, "I think. The bathroom."

He understood what I was saying. He winnowed us into the bathroom, helping me into the big white tub. He ran warm water and then his face paled, "you're bleeding."

I held tightly to the sides of the tub, "that's normal. I think. You should, ah."

I screamed loudly, not able to finish my sentence. This was too much, and Cassian wasn't here. I needed him, more than I'd ever care to admit, "get a healer. I'm going to get a healer, Nesta okay? I'll be right back."

"Promise?" I sounded like a child, but I didn't care. I wanted someone here with me. I didn't want to have this baby alone.

His smile had to be the one Feyre had fallen in love with. Because when he offered it to me, I would've fallen in love with it too, "I promise. I won't let you do this alone. Feyre and Cassian are coming."

I nodded as Rhysand winnowed out and another pain hit me. The warm water splashed my thighs as I continued to bleed. I sat on the slope of the tub, my body begged me to start pushing. I didn't want to push without Cassian here. 

Rhysand came back with the healer who had been with me this whole pregnancy. She smiled and put her hands against my stomach, "ah yes. They're strong. In a few minutes you'll push, the baby is ready to be born."

"Well tell them they have to wait for their father. Ah it hurts," I closed my eyes and a tear slipped down my cheek. This was worse than cramps, this was a million times worse than any wound I had ever had.

Rhysand held my hand, "he'll make it. I promise Nesta, Cassian will be here."

I nodded as the water was drained away and the healer handed me a tonic, "for the pain."

I drank it all in one shot. Rhysand, bless his heart, stayed beside me no matter what curse words I threw at him. He held my hand and wiped the sweat off my forehead. I cursed his brother, I told him Cassian was going to pay for putting me through this. Rhysand just laughed and held my hand, promising this would all be worth it. But his soothing voice wasn't the one I wanted.

It took half an hour before the healer wouldn't wait anymore. She said it was time and I was to start pushing.

"No, I can't. Not without Cassian."

Rhysand kissed my cheek, a move that surprised me, "push for him, Nesta. This baby needs to be born, they won't wait any longer."

I sighed and then when she said to push I did. I screamed as the pain flashed through me, my body tense as I tried to push with all the strength I had in my body. It felt like hours later when she told me to relax. And that's when his scent hit me. Footsteps pounded up the steps and then the bathroom door burst open.

"Nesta," Cassian took Rhysand's place and kissed my forehead, "did I make it?"

I nodded, relief flooding through me as his hand took mine. He pushed my hair out of my face, "yeah. The baby hasn't been born yet. We were waiting for you. Seems that your child takes after you and your dramatic entrances.”

"I love you," he kissed me as some of the pain subsided. His laugh vibrated against my cheek, "so much. You can do this."

I nodded and then took in a deep breath. I pushed again, Cassian kept his eyes on me. The healer encouraged me and said she could see the baby's head. Cassian looked down and smiled, telling me he saw dark hair. I closed my eyes and imagined his perfect little mini me.

"Okay rest. One more push and the baby should be here," the healer smiled as she got the towels ready and told Feyre to be ready to swaddle. I let out a shaky breath and shook my head.

"I can't. I'm so tired, please don't make me," I leaned into Cassian and cried. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted the pain to end. But Cassian pulled back and forced me to look at him.

"Nesta. One more big push, five more minutes of this and then we get our  biggest adventure. We get to meet the little life we created. One more push sweetheart," he whispered softly against my skin.

I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the last push. I screamed all the way through, tears mixing with my sweat as the baby cried loudly. Cassian watched as they landed in the healer's arms. Their little wings were curled into themselves and Cassian shed a tear. I squeezed his hand as he looked back at me.

Cassian looked in awe at our child. He looked amazed at their tiny little body in the healers hands. She started to clean them off and smiled at me.

"It's a boy," she said softly as his cries got louder. She cleaned him off and then handed the bundle of blankets to me.

I took my baby and held him against my chest. Cassian's big hand came to hold his back and I looked up to see him crying. Big tears fell down his cheeks as he looked at our little boy. We had a son. With dark hair that matched his fathers, and hopefully blue eyes that matched mine. But the best part was he had wings. And I knew when they uncurled from his tiny body they would be as beautiful as his father's. 

"I love you," I whispered as his eyes met mine, "I love you Cassian."

The entire room faded into the background as he looked at me. I hadn't said the words at all in the last nine months. I had been scared of them, of him. But holding our child in my arms, seeing the tears on his cheeks, I knew he wouldn't walk away. This was it, he belonged to me. These were my boys, no one could ever take them away from me.

Cassian kissed me as our baby nestled into my chest, "I love you too Nesta."

His nose brushed mine as Feyre snapped a picture. I blushed as I remembered them standing in the doorway.

"Where were you guys?" Rhysand asked. He seemed calmer now that the labor was over.

Cassian stayed beside me, "getting the apartment ready. I found one, Nesta. I wanted to surprise you."

I reached out and touched his cheek, "I'm sure it's perfect."

He kissed my wrist, "we set up the nursery. Feyre painted this beautiful scene on the wall. I was going to take you tomorrow to see it, but now. Now we can all go together."

I nodded, "yeah. Our little family."

"Guys. You have to give him a name."

I looked down at his little face, he was already sleeping. I kissed his forehead, Cassian watching with his hand on his back. It stayed anchored there the same way it had been anchored to my stomach for the last nine months.

I blew out a breath, "Roan," Cassian's eyes filled with more tears. I had hated the name when he suggested it. But it had grown on me with all the stories he had told. Just like his father, "Roan Moten."

"You're giving him my last name?" He asked quietly as Feyre leaned into her husband.

I nodded, "he's your son. I love you, we’re in this together,” I bit my bottom lip as the baby cooed and my eyes found his tiny face once more, “I want him to have a family, Cass. He won’t be a bastard, he won’t grow up wondering why everyone else has so much love and he never did. Because he’s our son, he will have all the love we have to spare and more.”

He smiled again and kissed me softly. More tears filled his eyes as he ran his forefinger down our son’s nose, "thank you, sweetheart. Thank you so much."

The joy in his face mirrored mine as we spent the next hour with our son. The healer cleaned everything up and told me not to move from the tub. She told me to feed the baby, Cassian watched as I did. He latched one my chest, it was as natural as breathing for him. I smiled slightly as his little fingers curled around mine. I couldn’t believe he was real, he was so tiny and so perfect.

He was all the best pieces of us put together.

We spent a long time in the bathroom bonding with our son. My body was sore, I was exhausted, but I refused to move. Mor and Azriel came to see the baby, as did Amren. Everyone got their turn to see our little miracle. Cassian kicked them out after five minutes, claiming their noise was keeping the baby up. I knew he was just being over protective, but I was grateful he kicked them out. I was still laying in the bathtub, with my nightgown on.

When Roan finally fell asleep, when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, Cassian picked me up and carried us to our bed. It was barely evening, our day had been spent with our brand new baby. 

I laid him down on the bed between us, Cassian watching his little chest rise and fall as he slept soundly. His little hand reached out, wrapping Cassian's big finger inside of it.

"Sleep love," Cassian whispered as I laid down on the pillow and watched my boys together, "I've got him."

I closed my eyes, letting the day end. I had a son, I was in love with his father. I wasn't sure how I had stumbled into this world, but I knew I'd be forever grateful for the two of them. One was my heart the other my soul. Together they were the missing pieces I had been looking for. 

\---

**One year later**

"Da!" Roan toddled to his father as I sat on the couch watching him. Cassian had been gone for a week checking in with Rhysand on the camps. I had missed him, but his son had missed him even more. His little wings fluttered behind him as he ran to Cassian's open arms.

"Hey buddy," he picked him up in one smooth motion. I smiled watching them, they were exactly the same. Roan giggled as Cassian tickled his sides. My boys. They were my world. They were best friends in every sense of the word and I loved watching them together.

Cassian kissed the top of my head before sitting beside me on the couch, "hey sweetheart," roan climbed behind him, "how's my girl?"

I leaned into him, "better now that you're here." He put his arm around me, "how are the camps?"

Cassian groaned as Roan pulled at his hair, "a mess. But I'm happy to be home. I've missed my family."

I kissed him, this last year had changed me. I kissed him more, I leaned on him. He had become my best friend, my partner, my mate in all sense of the word. Even if that actual bond wasn’t there, if the magic didn’t tether us together, he was still my mate. The father of my child. He was the man I would love for the rest of this long life we shared together. 

Feyre even commented once about how I was more open when she watched me kiss Cassian, or hold his hand in front of them. I knew she welcomed the change, everyone seemed to like this new Nesta. Cassian especially since I told him that I loved him every night before we fell asleep. Most nights Roan was sound asleep between us.

"So I have a surprise for you," he whispered against my lips.

"Da!" Roan only knew a few words. Da, Ma, and up. He giggled all the time, especially when he went flying and I told him not to. He couldn’t get more than few inches off the ground, but he was still in love with the sky. I could see his father in him, whenever he looked at the clouds and yearned to stretch his little wings. I loved hearing him talk. I loved watching him grow. My baby boy wasn't a baby anymore.

"Yeah buddy," Cassian pulled away and looked at Roan with as much love as he looked at me with. I never imagined a life as amazing as this one. When I learned I was pregnant, I never thought I'd be so happy. 

Roan hugged him, kissing his cheek. Cassian’s smile spread slowly, “I love you too little man.” 

My heart filled up as he pulled our son onto his lap. I ran my fingers through his hair. He should shower, he was sweaty from his long flight, but I didn’t want him to leave me just yet, "can I have my surprise now?"

His eyes sparkled, "later. I have it all planned out."

He closed his eyes and I knew he was tired. I let him fall asleep as Roan climbed onto my lap. I smiled as he kissed my cheek and then jumped down and toddled over to his toys. Cassian and Roan loved getting into trouble together. He had missed his Da, but he would always be my little boy.

Of course Cassian kept telling me he would fly for real soon. He said it was a matter of time before those little wings were able to support his weight. I was terrified to let that happen. He was still a baby, my little boy. But I knew I'd have to let him spread his wings. It was the one thing his father had given him that he would forever cherish. So I wouldn't hold him back.

But I wanted to keep him little forever.

Cassian couldn’t wait for the day he taught Roan to fly. He talked about it constantly, his eyes would light up and he couldn’t stop smiling. He took Roan with him sometimes, when I wasn’t a worrying mother and told him that it was dangerous. He said Roan giggled uncontrollably as he flew through the clouds, his eyes wide, his hands reaching out toward towards the sky. Roan would love to fly on his own. I knew it the moment he was born, he was his father’s child. He came into this world with a fire, one that was a combination of both of ours.

I pressed a kiss to Cassian's cheek as his breathing leveled out. Then I stood up and walked towards my son, "nap time buddy."

"Ma! Up!" He reached his arms up and I picked him up. He kissed my cheek, it was gummy and filled with spit, but it was one of my favorite kisses. I smiled as he laid his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

He was a good baby. He loved his naps, he loved his dad. He would fall asleep for me as easily as he would for Cassian. He loved his stories and he loved his aunts and uncles. He was spoiled, in all sense of the word. Azriel had really taken to my son, probably because he was a mini Cassian.

He was surrounded by some of the most dangerous people of the inner circle. And they all turned to mush whenever he held their hands. He was our little light, the brightest spot that appeared after the horrible darkness the war had threatened to cover our world with.

Cassian slept for an hour before everyone showed up at our house. Mor woke him up, by jumping on him, and he wasn't happy. But I kissed his cheek and he relaxed as they all settled into our home. Cassian went to get a shower while I told them they had to wait for Roan to wake up himself.

Roan came running out of his room when Cassian's shower was over. He jumped into Mor's arms and giggled when she tickled him. I smiled watching them, Feyre had her own look of longing on her face. I wish he had more friends to play with. I wish Feyre had decided what she wanted with Rhysand. If she wanted children at all. She was good with them. She always had been.

Cassian came out of the bathroom smelling amazing. I stood up when he said my name and met him by the sliding back doors. He took my hand and pulled me out into the dying sunlight. The sky was beautiful, a mix of blues and pinks and yellows swirling together before Velaris’s night sky greeted us. Cassian looked nervous, he kept playing with his pocket.

"Cass, what are we doing?" I asked quietly as he wrapped his arms around my waist. He pressed his lips to mine and kissed me like it was the first time. Like we were the only two people left in this entire world. Sometimes I really thought we were. 

Cassian took in a deep breath and pulled away, his hand coming to cup my cheek. He smiled as his eyes met mine and then the noise of the world all faded into the background. Because Cassian gave me that crooked smile. The one I was convinced his saved for me, in moments like this. 

"I love you. Nesta, I've thought about this long and hard. I've watched you and I think you've finally let me have a place inside your heart. You gave me the best gift of all. Our beautiful child, a beautiful life together here in this home. I don't care about anything else. I choose you, Nesta Acheron. Will you marry me?"

Cassian knelt down on one knee slowly and I gasped. Tears were in his eyes and I felt my own as Roan came to stand beside his father. He clapped his hands and then looked at me, “Ma! Da!”

I nodded, "yes," I whispered as I heard the others come stand in the doorway to our backyard, "yes I want to marry you."

Cassian slipped the beautiful ring onto my finger and stood up. He wrapped his arms around me, spinning me around as Roan clapped and giggled. He set me down and kissed me, a little hand pulling on the bottom of my shirt. Cassian leaned down and picked our son up. He kissed my cheek.

"I love you," I looked into Cassian's eyes and I felt it deep in my very soul, "I love this life we’ve built together."

"Me too sweetheart," he kissed me once more before the gang came and broke us up. We were passed around for hugs, Roan ended up in his uncle Azriel's arms. I took a step back and looked at my little family. The family I never thought I wanted and yet found a way to steal my heart.

I guess I had gotten my own semblance of a happy ending. I couldn't believe someone like me deserved one as beautiful as this. We might not have the bond that Rhys and Feyre have, but we choose each other. Every day, every night I chose to love him with my entire heart and soul. 

Even if the bond snapped into place tomorrow it wouldn't dull what we had now. Because Cassian loved me, he proved that every single day. Somehow he had destroyed my walls and made me into a woman who could love, who smiled at his stupid corny jokes. He was my person, he would always be my person. I had fallen in love with a warrior, with a man who deserved so much more than me. 

He had given me a son. A life I never even thought I would have, let alone want. He had given me so much and I had no idea how to ever repay him. How to love him as hard as he loved me, even through the worst times in my life.

I couldn't help but smile as I stood there with my family. Even with everything we had been through I knew for certain that I wouldn't change a thing.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I read your comments and I read the story that was similar to the last part of Home to Me and I took it down because I realized it really is alike and I don't want to steal someone's idea. I'm sorry if I upset anyone with the post.
> 
> So I may rewrite it and hopefully make it better.
> 
> For now here's another piece I've been working on. I hope you like it and as always feel free to comment.


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